No food no water its pitch black where am I why can’t I feel a thing why it so scary in this place we call home. Several days left alone with my 2 brothers I sit in a home of destruction failure waiting to happen .my stomach is growling and it feels like, if this was close to death of starvation or it sure was something close to that feeling. My older brother James looks like he feels as though he needs to take this as one of his own responsibilities . I wonder did he ever see me bruised with daddy fallen angel kiss down my spine, touching love between my legs I felt the kill. How do I embrace the future with all its wonder what will happen to my brothers .Bitterness will follow me in this cold pail water I rinse the stench of my father. As it rains outside reality is sanity and love is profanity my green eyes see through these walls one day running away with my big brothers, oh no sssssh I heard that front door creep open it's him every time daddy
walks through the door I feel replaced by her, my mother. If she could hear my call on the outsides of these cold walls maybe I might have been able to finish school and make a living I’m only ten years old why is the world so cold, I always feel alone. Now I watch my brother leave to work two jobs how sweet I wish I was old enough to leave with him, I swear I would do whatever just to be free, My second oldest brother is always stoned and love to read the x magazines oh god I wish he was not so mean. He pulls my hair so ravishly and tells me I will never be what I want to be. He is one step under being just like my daddy. In three years will he hurt me, like daddy? One year ago I had a friend a little girl I imagined she would be there for me forever she was only in my head and the best imaginary friend. Would it be best if I told daddy I would be his slave or should I keep fighting him off which way? I really want to go to school isn't that were all
the good little girls go. Hey I can count how many bruises I have that’s the only educational real thing I have grabbed from this moment I might just die than after being passed out I’ll sit think and cry . Same old story I write with this pen oh so black these words on this purely white stripe of tree I want to run free with all the children like me. Before I know how to leave I must make an escape but with no mistakes, this is my last chance. Oh no the door is opening , scrrreeeech my heart just turned blacked shivers down my spine so scared of what can happen this life has become my only way to live . It's over now I’m sore my head hurts now he cut my arm with his pocket knife I wonder if he feels like a man or a coward. I wonder what goes through his head at that very moment he touches my soul and see's this sadden face .I have with disappointment of let down of” my suppose to be daddy” figure my hero, my savior, my protection. what goes
threw his head as tears flow down my cheeks, one after another none stop having my hair drenched in a salty stench of my tears ....I wonder what does he feel....
Feb 30 1996
Few days has passed daddy now has locked me up in the room seeing this demon inside him telling him to inject this toxic into my soul . O how I wish I was free. My mind is shattering in so many ways I can’t seem to grasp who I am or what I have become. I don’t know what is real for all I see is a world with evilness and this bastered devil standing before me. I tell you my dear o sweet diary because I swear I can’t seem to remember anything. After being pulled by my ratty hair and pushed up against the wall treated as I wasn’t even a human being, I remember all this now as I lay awake at night. I kind of like that I don’t remember anything though...is that crazy? At least this is a tiny piece of me I can forget .I’m sitting here in the corner in this dark room as a tiny light glares in on me so I can write. I write every memory out to you making me feel that even for a second im some what free and no where close to this life I live now. Then
I suddenly feel this agony within my body that no matter how free I feel seeing all my words written down I still look up and realize that this blank sheet of paper will never set me free. I can remember a couple of years back when that women (my mother) was with this devil. We had a great family as it shown in our family portraits, everything seemed so to be the way it should be daddy and mother together ,me running around with my brothers smiling like it was the morning waking up to Christmas. everyday seemed like I was smiling I was in school and I had friends ones that seem to care for me a lot, teachers who adored my presence telling me "Marie you are so talented and beautiful your parents should be very happy to have you " as I took those words at that very moment thinking " yea ... your right ms .Foster I am very talented and my parents seem to be very proud of me”. my brothers seemed to have there heads on straight , always coming home and
doing there homework before they did anything else , never use profanity and never at all seemed mean towards me till that one day. I’ll write what happened a little later but right now I just want you to see dear diary that I use to smile and I use to have a soul filled with life and beauty much so with dreams of being someone. my life was not like the way it is now I swear and I want help from you to help me see were I went wrong and ......why me ?man ..I think I have lost it here I am asking a sheet of paper to help me like its going to respond to me. Have I gone crazy? Have I been spilt into this tub of lies I live everyday? He tells me mommy hates me doesn’t even want her daughters existence to be known of. Yet I have days more in this lifetime and only time will tell. I can hear him out there with his girlfriend whom I only met a couple of times she seems really nice and looks too young at least in her mid 20"s maybe that’s why he is the
way with me ...but anyways she told me she thinks she loves my daddy and that she would love to be apart of my life I so badly i wanted to tell her no run! run away before you to realize his tub of lies and that this could be the worst mistake of your life ! but deep down inside I knew that was asking for trouble , so I just smiled and said " aw thanks ". I don’t understand how girls are so naïve don’t know anything or pick up on the little signs at all she must have seen the bruises on my arms, the fear seeping off my face and the chills that roll down my spine every time he is near me . But i guess she seems blinded just like mommy. Mommy escaped but unfortunately left me behind along with my two brothers. she didn’t even hesitate when it came to taking my two younger sisters.
Along with all that and with everything happening this way i"ve gained so much hatred towards my mother .why leave me? Why not take me? O dear god!! Diary why am i always asking this question why? Why? Obviously I can’t comprehend on why i'm even in this world i have no purpose here wanting to die my life could end now and no one would care or even bother to know. I want to leave this black hole I’ve been living in its so dark so cold. I"m hungry as my stomach is screaming out for some food if only I would have gotten just a nibble from dinner. I feel like i"m not going to make it here any longer no hope no faith of any survival. I might as well just lay here and look forward to what tomorrow shall bring.
March 12, 1996
I can still feel the cold creeping through him when he touched my lips. i taste your mouth he pulled me in i was discussed with myself, the min i was touched i was burned , now this toxic is taking a toll of me i don’t feel the same anymore and i feel like i never sleep , this became and everyday thing now i don’t understand doesn’t he have a girlfriend , i want to make an escape and soon , i just got out the shower so sore from all the beating i know your wondering were is my brothers there all out they are never home ever since mommy left they got them self’s out of here as well . There always either at work or doing drugs some was. I want to take a seconded out of there lives and pay attention to me just a little bit and maybe they can’t see something just isn’t right when there daddy is always locked up in the room with there baby sister almost all the time. I want a different life and I just wish my mommy would come back for me. I cant
take this any longer I remember the first time I was about 6 years old and now I am twelve years old for 6 years straight I been in hell I been abused, beaten, spit at, kicked, slapped, starved, named called everything you can ever imagined it happened to me dear diary please help me figure out what to do I never get out anymore im always inside, trapped in hell ,no sunlight ,no friends, no child hood life what does this life have in store for me and why hasn’t my place in this life been clear for me too see. Its like im looking through fog hoping one day that it will all be clear and blue skies again. About a week ago I snuck out and went out with some friends having the best time of my life.