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My Survivor Story - Esperanza Nevarez

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This is very hard to do but I feel it must be done, not only for me but for those who have suffered the same injustice I have. My only hope for those going through this silently to know that you ate not alone and I am here to help. There is always someone there to help just don't keep it inside. Well it first happened when i was 15. My mothers boyfriend raped me and took my virginity. Apparently i was set up by some very sadistic people who thought nothing of my safety. The bastard even had the nerve to show up to my home the next day wanting to check up on me! Crazy huh? The police told me he had been grooming me since i was 6 because that's how long he had been in my life. I did end up pregnant but being only 15 and not really in any hurry to grow up I didn't understand what being pregnant was. And my mother, who was abusive, didn't care enough to explain. All I knew was that I was a baby having a baby and I didn't want it. I prayed and prayed for this nightmare not to be real and one day I think God heard my prayer and knew that I wasn't ready. I started started having pains that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Then the bleeding happened. My mother, instead of taking me to the doctor told me to lay down and said if I lose this baby it will be my fault. She actually made me feel bad for what was going on, I didn't know what was happening to my body, honestly. Well she went to another one of my court dates the next day leaving me by myself with pains that got even worse. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so I went and then something came out of me that gave me the biggest relief. Suddenly all of my pain stopped. I jumped up and saw something i couldn't explain but i knew what it was. I called my brother girlfriends mom immediately and then bloody and all I ran to her home. I didn't know what to do. She comforted me and told me that I had just had my baby in the toilet. She called the ambulance and went with me to the hospital. My mother was alerted and the first thing she asked me was, "Did you get it out of the toilet?" What?  Yes, that's what she asked. I told her no because I didn't know what it was; she blamed me for that too. Well he was in jail and during that time his whole family threatened me especially his wife. They threatened my life and the life of my unborn baby, I didn't feel safe, I wanted to run away and hide. My rape counselor advised I see a therapist for what happened especially since after only serving 7 months for what he did to me he was released. My mother decided to move our family to Wisconsin almost 2 years later because I started spiraling downward. Depression and anger took control over me worse than it had already done. Plus what I didn't know was that I was suffering from postpartum depression. Well I had decided to go to a counselor in Wisconsin and she helped me so much. I was able to heal to the point where I wasn't too afraid of even my own shadow. I wasn't too scared to leave the house. Well a year later my mother decided it was best to be around family so she moved us to Indiana. By this time I was 18 and I was in a much better place. I even started going back to church and volunteering at church for a lot of different activities. Hey I even made a few friends out there and started a relationship with a guy. Little did I know my happiness would be short lived. Just 5 days after I had turned 19 my friends older brother decided I had something he wanted and he took it despite me fighting. I felt so helpless, I felt worthless and blamed myself because I made friends with this girl. I felt it must have been my fault, there was something about me that made men want to hurt me this way. It was my fault somehow. I told myself that and decided that the police would not help me just like last time. That he would get away with it, just like last time, so I didn't report it. I didn't tell anyone not even my family, i just brushed off all questions. I did however confront him 6 weeks later when I found out that I was pregnant. I was petrified, honestly, i was shaking so hard you could see it. I told him what he did and I told him the results and I told him what I was going to do. I planned to give the baby up for adoption because even though it was rape I didn't believe in abortions. So I contacted an adoption agency and decided on doing an open adoption with a possible closed adoption, I wasn't sure. At 20 weeks I was measuring a little too big and the doctor thought it could be twins or something so he sent me to get an emergency ultrasound. I didnt have enough time to get ahold of my adoption counselor beforehand. The ultrasound started and I saw something that warmed my heart so fast, i fell in love and broke down. I cried and cried and cried because at the moment it became real. Not only did I get raped but there a real live baby inside of me and she looked just like me. My nose, my eyes, the shape of my round face, God let me see what I was going to give away. I truely feel he wanted something else out of this situation, my baby girl is 7 now and is the best decision I have ever made. She loves me unconditionally even when I was feeling like I didn't deserve it. Im not going to say it was an easy road after having her because by the time I had her, her faced changed. She was born looking like him, that really messed me up but I played the motions. I was in love with this little girl regardless. I moved out of my mothers home a year later and was woking and taking care of my little girl and I. I was enjoying the struggles of being a mommy. When I say struggles I really struggles. My baby had started getting sick on a regular right after she turned 1. This was not something I was ready for. I was working at a gas station out in Plainfield, IN in 2011 and customers loved my happy personality and my mature mind. They loved the fact that I was putting myslef through school so that I could become a Nurse Practitioner. I guess one day I was so swamped at work that I didnt notice a customer who was trying to ask me out. I guess he felt disrespected because I ddint respond to him. Truth be told, I didn't know he was there, I was too busy taking acre of other customers to noticed him trying to ask me out. Heck, I was the only one working that day, like always. I didn't know that day he decided to get revenge and teach me respect. Christmas eve of 2011 I left work at 11:15pm and headed home to my sick baby who had Croup again. My friend had kept her while I was working and she went home shortly after I came into the house. I took my shower and sat in a chair in my living and turned on my favorite movie of all time, Meet Me in St. Louis. I fell asleep on the floor of my living room watching that movie and woke up to a knife around my neck. My dirst instinct was to fight back and try to see who it was. I felt what I thought was a scratch on my neck then I heard a voice tell me to stop moving. He started to take my pants down so I started fighting again. This time I felt a sharp cut go across my neck again then blood. I stopped immediately. He cut my neck twice but my adrenaline was up so I really didn't feel too much pain. The smart thing I was when he dropped the knife in the struggle I put up I saw it. He looked away to get his gun, I grabbed the knife and threw it toward my bag I had next to my chair. I hit the table to make just as a cover up. I looked around for my phone but I couldnt find it. He told me to stand up slapped me, told me to keep quiet and then lead me out of the door. The names he called me I won't repeat. He got me into the van where he raped me the first tim. Slapping and punching me as he did this, telling me he was going to teach me a lesson and that I as nothing but garbage. He told me was going to sell me. The more I cried the harder he hit me, he hit me until I shut up. I started praying silently asking God for him to make sure my baby was okay and asking him to please let someone find me now. I felt a stick and a few minutes later I was out. I came back to I don't know when but I knew I wasn't home. I saw bright lights and I was cold and naked. I started crying and screaming but I was tied down to a bed. This time it was more men there. Someone hit me a few times i felt another stick in my arm and then I was out. This cycle happened I don't know how many times. The last thing I remembered was waking up to hearing dogs and seeing wierd lights. I passed back out and woke up in a different room.I as warm nder so blankets and in a lot of pain. My face and whole body hurt so bad. I woke up fighting and screaming these people had to sedate me again because I was  out of control. I woke up again a few hours later tied to the bed again. I fought some more but an officer got me to calm down, I begged them to let me out of the restraints. I wanted my baby, I didn't know where she was. They told me that they wanted to ask me some questions. I told them I wouldn't answer anything until I saw my daughter. 15 minutes later this big headed 2 year old came into my room looking so healthy. I hugged her something fierce and cried and kissed her everywhere. I checked her to see if she was harmed. Then she said, "happy year mommy, do you feel better now." I looked at my friend and she said, " You were sick, thats why you are here." The nurse took my daughter to get coloring papers as my friend told me how she was worried about my daughter and how she tried calling me but couldn't reach me. So she came to my house banged on my door and kept calling but no answer. She saw my patio door was opened so she came in and saw blood everywhere. She heard my daughter upstairs coughing. She looked for me in my house before calling the police. She took care of my baby girl while I was gone. The police came back in and started asking me questions and wanting me to do a written statement. The nurses started shoving pills down my throat and antibiotics in my IV. Things were a bit hazy after that, but I asked them if they found the knife in my bag by my living room chair. They looked at me like I was crazy. I told them what I did and they made a call to go research my home. The officer said that one quick thought just saved my life.  I asked them if they found the guy and they told me that they had escaped once they realized the police was getting close. He told me that they left me for dead in the abandoned house. They found me 13 miles away from home in Brooklyn, Indiana, I lived in Mooresville, Indiana. My mind was moving so fast I didn't know what to think. The next day I was released from the hospital and had to go home back to my home. I was too afraid to stay there. My attackers were still on the loose and they were last seen only 13 miles away from my home. I made a phone call to a family friend in Chicago and she told me to come there. I booked a bus ticket for my daughter and I and I fled. I ran so fast I only packed our essentials and left everything else. I got to Chicago at around midnight that night never felt safer. I thought I was in a better place. I couldn't leave the house however, everything frightened me. I was back in that same place but this time everything felt darker. I couldn't talk literally looking at myself I was to kill myself I was at an all time new low. My only strength was my daughter her hugs kept me some what alive. Alive enough to do for her. Me, I didn't care about at all. I couldn't eat because the pills and antibiotics they gave me in hospital, plus I was depressed. I just wanted to be by myself and away from the world. 3 days after I fled to Chicago I got a call saying they found one of the guys that was involved. I felt relief but they said he was not talking. They eventually found the other guys but with all honesty my case never made it past the deposition because I was too afraid to go back. My fear kept me from going and that made me even more depressed. I blamed myself for everything because I felt I deserved what I got. I tried killing myself but I guess God said no because I threw up every pill I took that night.  For 4 years I went from bad to worse to just living like a zombie, playing the motions. In 2013 met a friend during that time after I moved to Bloomington, IL. She knew I had major trust issues and we had a lot of things in common. We became fast friend and she became the only person in the world I could trust. She had only boys and no girls so she feel in love with my baby girl, just like everyone else who met her. Her family treated me like family from day one. It was a love I can say I never felt before, not even from my abusive mother. It was during that time my daughters behavior started to changed and she also started getting sicker more often. I couldn't handle it I didn't feel I was strong enough, I felt defeated and alone. It seemed that every time I felt my lowest she caught me to pick me back up. Her mother shared her story with me and I shared what little I could with her. I held all my emotions in however and became very emotionally distant from everything excluding my daughter. For 4 years I lived in that fog and the nightmares and paranoia kept coming. They got so back I was screaming in my sleep and didn't know it. My daughter woke me up one night crying because she thought something was wring with me. She told me she heard me screaming. It was that night that I hit rock bottom, I had a night terror that involved my daughter father and my attackers. They were rapped my baby in front of me and there was nothing I could do. I tried everything to get to her but I couldn't get to her. My baby was screaming for me and I felt helpless for not being able to get to her. I tried waking up but I couldn't so I tried screaming for help. I thought I was only screaming in my dream but I wasn't. I called my friend panicking telling her what happened and felt the depression getting worse in that instance. She heard it too and rushed over. I just wanted to die I begged her to take my daughter so that she wouldn't see me commit my deed and she said no. She told me I was stronger than this and that she will be with me until I felt better. I called to get a therapist that Monday broke down some more and started emergency therapy that Wednesday. There I was diagnosed with severe PTSD and Severe Anxiety Disorder. I still kept my feelings bottled up because I couldn't trust and every time I tried to talk my anxiety kicked in bad and I would go mute. I literally couldn't talk. Christmas Eve of 2015 I was at my best friends home for Christmas as usual and someone asked me how could I let myself get raped. I brushed off the question as if it didn't bother me but for some reason that night I couldn't hold it in any longer. I took myself for a walk with the intent to not return. I was going to run. I just wanted this pain to stop, I felt that I had been running long enough and was tired so very tired. I ran and ran and ran. My friend tried calling me on my phone but I was in a different place. I was so deep in that fog that everything seemed like a far away echo. I was slipping away one stones throw away from admitting myself to the 3rd floor of the hospital. She finally caught up with me and I heard her voice a little louder that time a little clearer and fell to the ground. I cried and cried and cried. I think i cried for an hour. She held me the whole time and was time. Flashbacks were going through me head at an all time high. Her husband tried to console me but all I saw was my attackers face and my living room. She just held me as I begged for the pain to stop. In all the time I've known her I have never heard her pray, but she started praying and didn't stop. She prayed so hard for me at that time, her voice started sounding clearer. The fog was getting less dense. I started saying things that I was aware of like the grass we were sitting on and and my wet pants the cold air. She reminded me of my daughter and how she was waiting for me in her house. I started fighting back, I didn't want to give up anymore. I didn't want to feel defeated anymore. I found strength through her she help me find my strength because I was so weak that it affected me physically I literally could not move. We finally stood up and finished praying and yes God is good, I felt and instance release. That fog I had felt for 4 years was gone. I couldnt wait to tell my therapist because I didn't let myslef cry for 4 years. I didn't let myself feel for 4 years. Today I am in a much better place, I'm not completely better but guess what I'm finding myself healing everyday. I'm finding myself find myself everyday. I am much happier and as I write this I am crying tears but they aren't tears of sorrow they are tears of happiness because I know that God has me. I survived and I am no longer letting what happened to me kill me everyday because I have found a new strength. I have to tell myself this everyday and it works.You can get through, I know it seems tough now but you will get through it. I do have anger issues from this but I am working on that with my therapist. I just hope that I can help someone going through this. I hope the person reading knows that I love you and God loves you too! 

17 Comments to My Survivor Story - Esperanza Nevarez:

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Plastic Buckets With Lids on Friday, June 02, 2017 7:25 AM
I booked a transport ticket for my little girl and I and I fled. I ran so quick I just stuffed our fundamentals and left everything else. I got to Chicago at around midnight that night never felt more secure. I thought I was in a superior place. I couldn't go out be that as it may, everything scared me. I was back in that same place however this time everything felt darker.
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